Ask These Girls

Kirkland McCauley bought his wife an elephant for her birthday. It was not a present she liked or understood, and it made a mess on her carpets. In fact it remained the elephant in the room, the unspoken horror that separated them for the remaining three days of their marriage.

Kirkland bought his present on the Internet. These days it’s easy to be imaginative. Simply look through Google for ‘presents’ and the choice is, virtually unlimited. It ranges from ‘adopt a monkey’ to track days, having a star named after somebody to buying a glass cased piece of Highbury turf.

But being imaginative is not enough, as Mrs McCauley was quick to tell her husband of the moment. The miracle of having a cell phone meant he could access the net, and arrange such purchased as buying an elephant while down the pub. This did not compensate for the inconvenience. And anyway he always knew she never liked grey.

So choosing suitable christmas or birthday presents is an art form requiring a mixture of diplomacy, creativity, sensitivity, and inspiration.

Certainly the web can be a good help by opening up all sorts of possibilities. But this is not the entire picture.

‘Unusual’ is not enough. Being impractical is not enough, although it can help. After all, who likes a practical present – a washing machine, new iron or paint brush?

‘Frivolous’ often helps, as does ‘extravagance’ – or at least the appearance of extravagance.

Finding a gift on the basis you have always wanted one yourself is certainly a no no. What wife wants the almost complete set of Charlton Athletic football programmes, 1967 to 1983 – missing only the April 1971 Accrington Stanley game?

Choosing something ‘worthy’ or that sends a message is worse. A month in rehab seldom does the trick.

‘So ‘appropriate’, possibly in a witty way, is the most important gift adjective – but appropriate to the receiver not the giver. But the worst that can happen is that the gift ‘says more’ about the giver’s interests than those of the receiver. The most that can be acheived is that the giver receives in return more appreciation of his or her thoughtfulness and sensitivity.

Meanwhile Kirkland went back to his job at the zoo a wiser man, and Mrs McCauley was remarried to a big game hunter who always brought her gift sets - and jewellery, and chocolates and only the occasional subscription to Rifles and Telescopic Sights magazine.